Telling Your Adult Kids About Your Estate Plan

Last summer, in “Equipping Your Successor Trustee or Personal Representative,” we outlined the benefits of notifying your estate administrator – perhaps one of your adult children – that you have named them to serve in that role and how to locate the documents they will need to carry out their duties.

While we stand by our suggestions, we also endorse a November 2024 Wall Street Journal article, “Warren Buffett Talks to His Kids About His Will; You Should Too” (subscription required), in which the Omaha billionaire:

• raises the ante on intrafamily communication and transparency, and
• shares his strategy for passing wealth to the next generation while minimizing family conflicts.

“Be sure each child understands both the logic for your decisions and the responsibilities they will encounter upon your death,” Mr. Buffett wrote in a letter to his shareholders. “You don’t want your children asking ‘Why?’ … when you are no longer able to respond.”

That’s good advice. In many of our estate controversy matters, the family disputes that gave rise to lawsuits could have been avoided if, prior to their deaths, the parents had delivered the same news to all of their kids at the same time.

TOPICS. You don’t have to go into great detail about what your assets are worth or how much the kids are likely to inherit. In many cases, an overview will suffice. For example:

• a description of your estate plan – whether it’s a trust or a simple will;
• a general description of what you own – cash, investments, business interests, retirement savings, life insurance, personal property, etc.;
• how your assets will be disposed of and passed down – e.g., liquidation, with the proceeds shared equally by the heirs, or specific assets intended for specific heirs;
• whom you have named to act as your fiduciary – i.e., successor trustee (for a trust) or personal representative (for a will) – and, if appropriate, your reasons for selecting them; and
• the provisions you have made for end-of-life decisions (i.e., “advance directives”).

BENEFITS. Here are some of the benefits we have seen in parents talking to their adult kids about the parents’ estate plan:

• Transparency. Laying your cards on the table while you’re still alive – and giving your kids the opportunity to ask questions – greatly reduces the risk of your kids suing each other over your estate.
• Predictability. Upon your death, you don’t compound their grief with needless uncertainty or surprises.
• Clarity (part 1). If all of your kids are clear as to how you want your assets to be managed and conveyed, you’ve taken another step toward avoiding estate litigation.
• Clarity (part 2). If you haven’t already briefed your fiduciary on accessing your important documents and property, doing so in the presence of the other kids could be helpful.
• Clarity (part 3). If you have made any tough provisions – e.g., disinheriting a child or not treating all of your kids equally or equitably – letting that be known now will make life much easier for your fiduciary.
• No fighting over specific assets. The family meeting gives kids an opportunity to express their desire for this or that item of personal property, and it helps you prepare a personal property memorandum that reflects those desires.
• Preparing for a windfall. If you decide to be specific as to the value of your estate, and if your kids might receive significantly more than they were expecting, this discussion could help prepare them to receive and deal with substantial wealth.
• Better planning. If you know you are going to be discussing your estate plan with your kids, you might be just a little more thorough in your decision-making regarding your estate.

As the Wall Street Journal article acknowledges, “sharing and discussing the contents of a will can be emotionally difficult for parents and adult children. Many feel uncomfortable talking about money and death. And parents often fear disclosure could create conflict among their children.”

Those are understandable concerns. But, regarding the last one, if discussing your estate plan with your kids could cause problems among them now, consider how much those problems would be magnified in your absence. We recommend that you not kick that can down the road.

TIPS. In closing, consider a few other suggestions:

• If, at any time after the meeting, you make any substantive changes to your estate plan, follow up with your kids to let them know about the changes.
• In preparing for the meeting, if you see the need for reinforcements, ask your estate planning attorney to attend.
• If having an in-person meeting is impractical (e.g., due to distance) or too scary, consider delivering the news in identical letters to all of your kids. It’s not a perfect substitute for a meeting, but it’s better than keeping them in the dark.